51 Ways to annoy Remus Lupin
by Tonkswyrda
Summary: Sirius gets bored. Tonks helps him come up with a list to annoy Remus. I wonder what will happen...? OMG I UPDATED ONLY TWO YEARS LATE ENJOY IF YOURE STILL READING LOLOL.
1. Chapter 1: The list

**AN.** The list is NOT mine!! Its actually for annoying murtagh from eragon, but I decided to write one for hp coz that's the kind of weird person I am. I had to change a few of the tasks, but yea. The lists from . Thanks 4 reading!!

"Tonks, I'm bored!" Sirius complained loudly.

Tonks teared her eyes away from Remus. " Huh?" She asked vacantly.

"I'm bored!" Sirius whined.

"Find something to do." Remus suggested.

"Thanks. Such a big help, aren't you?" Sirius grumbled. he'd been stuck inside Grimauld place for five months now.

Remus just rolled his eyes. "Well, I'm out of here. Bye Molly, Nymphadora, Sirius- find something to do so you don't bore everyone else to death!" and with that, he left the house. Sirius pulled a face behind his back.

"Why don't we go upstairs?" Tonks suggested. She could see the tension building between Molly and Sirius.

"Yeah, fine. Whatever." Sirius followed her up the stairs to the study, where they sat at a small table. Tonks pulled out a piece of parchment and started doodling with an old quill.

"Why don't we make up a game?" Tonks suggested.

"Like what?" Sirius asked. Anything was better than nothing, he thought.

"Ummm.. What if we come up with a heap of annoying pranks to play on someone-"

"Like Remus!! Yeah, great idea! Ok…" Sirius pulled out a piece of parchment.

1) Follow him around and keep asking the same stupid question no matter what answer he gives.

Tonks snorted. "I can do better."

2) Follow him around chanting, "Who stole the cookie from the cookie jar? Remus stole the cookie from the cookie jar!"

Sirius laughed. "I've got an idea!"

3) Give him nicknames that are unrelated to his real name. Ex: Paul. Joe. Han Solo. Teddy Bear. Freddie.

"Han Solo? Teddy Bear?" Tonks asked.

"Yup. Totally unrelated." Sirius smirked.

"Well, in that case…"

4) Ask loudly where babies come from. Keep asking him even if he claims he won't tell you.

5) On the off chance he gets frustrated enough to tell you where babies come from (previously mentioned on number 4), look offended and claim he's not taking you seriously.

Sirius sniggered. "That's gonna be awkward!" he took the quill.

6) Whenever he's done saying something snigger and say, "Yeah, like well ever believe that!" very sarcastically.

Tonks giggled. "My turn!"

7) Poke him at random moments, and don't give him a straight answer as to why you are doing it, either.

Sirius grabbed the quill as some new ideas popped into his head.

8) Laugh at any and all plans he comes up with.

9) Follow him around and tell people that he learned everything he knows from you.

"Serious?" Tonks shook her head.

" Yup, I'm Sirius!" Sirius laughed.

"Oh ha-ha…gimme that…"

10) Whenever anyone asks you about him say proudly, "Were all very proud of him- all of us in the insanity response unit, that is- we just got him potty trained, too."

"Idea!" Sirius exclaimed.

11) Tell Kingsley that Remus has a crush on him. Claim that there is hidden poetry in his room if he looks hard enough. Make sure Remus hears these claims. His reaction to this news will certainly start quite a few new rumours.

12) Go over to his house at the full moon and eat his entire hoard of chocolate in front of him.

"Why?" Tonks asked, confused.

"Dogs are allergic to chocolate, aren't they? And Remus lurrves chocolate!!"

"okay…" Tonks muttered.

13) Try to get him to sing girls just want to have fun by Cyndi Lauper

"That'll be a sight!" Tonks scoffed.

"It sure will." Sirius grinned.

"Well, its my turn now."

14) Point and laugh at him whenever he passes you.

15) Say bad things about him before he passes out of earshot.

16) Try to get him to start a conga line.

17) Clearly in view, smack yourself on the head with something hard, then throw it by Remus and claim loudly that he has wounded you.

Sirius snorted. "I cant wait to see that!" Tonks poked out her tongue as Sirius took the quill.

18) Kick him in the shins at random moments when he is not looking; then run away.

19) Tell Tonks that you heard him say that he expected her to be prettier when he

found out she was a metamorphagus.

Tonks laughed. "That's gonna be fun to act!"

20) Wake him up early in the early hours of the morning with a bucket of water. Cold water.

"Speaking of water…"

21) Put his hand in warm water while he's sleeping.

22) Cut his hair while he's sleeping.

23) Take his stuff and hide it.

"Hello?" A knock on the door interrupted their plotting. Tonks stuffed their list in her pocket as the door opened. It was Bill.

"Alright, what are you doing?" He asked, noticing their guilty faces. Sirius cracked an evil grin. "Scheming."

"Can I help?" Bill asked.

"Only so long as you don't tell anyone. Especially not Molly." Sirius said. Bill nodded, and Tonks showed him the list.

"Annoying Remus are we?" He asked idly, picking up the quill.

24) Go up to him and tell him you've done something to something in his room. See how long it takes him to work up the nerve to brush his teeth again (in fear you've dipped his toothbrush in the toilet).

"What can I say? I live with Fred and George!" Bill said modestly as Tonks giggled.

25) Walk up to him and say, "Man, it feels good to be a hamster," and walk away with no explanation.

26) Laugh at him in general.

27) Dye his hair rainbow colours by any means possible. See if he screams.

"My turn!" Sirius yelled.

28) Make a comment about how he's putting on a little poundage and see if he still continues to eat regularly.

29) Get him a puppy for Christmas. Claim that since he's always wanted one, you finally raised the bar, from a hamster to a dog.

30) Get him a Chihuahua as the aforementioned puppy.

"He'll love that," Tonks said, taking the quill.

31) Spread outlandish rumours about him. (Ex: Yeah, I've heard he's even dated a death eater. Or: I heard that to get out of a muggle prison once, the guards made him dress up as a girl and pout.)

32) Show up in his room before he goes to bed with warm milk and a lullaby in mind to help him sleep.

"Bags doing that!" Sirius said, taking the quill as Bill laughed.

33) Mimic him in an especially childish way whenever he speaks.

34) Continue to ask why he isn't as cool or good-looking as Sirius.

"Geez, up yourself much?" Tonks laughed while Bill wrestled the quill off Sirius.

35) See how many rounds of '100 Bottles of Beer on the Wall' he can take before he swears and draws his wand.

36) Claim 35 was you testing his mental endurance. Claim he failed spectacularly.

37) Whenever you discuss Remus' strange behaviour around you with others, always refer to him as she.

"Ooh, Idea!" Tonks grabbed the quill.

38) Replace all his clothes with dresses (or any other clothes that are obviously intended for a woman).

"Admittedly, some of the fun is sapped out of the joke because he can always get new clothes, but it will still be entertaining to watch him try to explain his predicament to the sales assistant!" Tonks giggled.

39) Replace all his weapons with hand made replicas you made with construction paper and glue, maybe even with tape (to give it a shinier look!).

40) Scream the name, "FRODO!" at him and then look disappointed when he doesn't react. When he asks what a Frodo is, refuse to tell him because he didn't recognize his Sam.

Sirius raised an eyebrow. "Frodo?"

"Yeah, as in the hobbit… lord of the rings…"

Comprehension dawned on Sirius' face. " I saw that movie!"

Tonks shook her head, handing him the quill.

41) Tell him, "The cat crows at dawn and the horse screams at noon," and see how he reacts to this little bit of randomness.

"Right…" Bill muttered.

42) After you've finished telling him something, you must add (no matter what!) But it's just a rumour. (Ex: Kingsley told me to tell you that you guys are leaving tomorrow, but it's just a rumour.)

"My turn." Bill picked up the quill.

43) Tell him you're leaving to see if he cries out of sheer joy.

44) See if he attempts to be polite about you saying you're leaving (43-above) and tries to say something like too bad, or, I'll miss you, or, You simply must write, or, Send me a postcard!

"Ooh, ooh, idea!" Tonks snatched the quill.

45) Make up his own theme song and sing it whenever he enters the room, or triumphs, or walks, or eats, or something, anything at all.

46) (In relation to 45) When he threatens to cut out your tongue if you continue to sing his theme song, smile say, "Oh all right," and begin to hum it.

Sirius laughed and took the quill.

47) Offer him gum from one of those trick packs (you know, the ones that shock you or snap your fingers with a mini mousetrap).

48) Play knock and run at his bedroom door. When he inevitably refuses to answer, open the door, step in and holler "Honey! I'm hooomme!"

He passed the quill to Bill.

49) Scream, "You dropped your pocket!" whenever he's duelling on the practice courts.

"We have practice courts?" Sirius asked, surprised. Bill shrugged.

"We'll find something."

50) (In relation to 49) Give him your best, plastic-fake, commercial, poster-boy smile and say, "Great job you did on the practice courts today, even though you got hit on the head twice. Oh, by the way, you dropped your pocket."

"Do you think that's enough?" Bill asked.

"One more." Tonks took the quill.

51) (In relation to everything on this list) When he tries to attack you and must be forcefully restrained, sigh and say, "I always said he was insane. I've known it for years," even if you've only met him last month.

"Finished." At the top of the page she wrote 51 Ways to annoy Remus Lupin.

"Let the games begin." Sirius grinned.


	2. Chapter 2: Hey Remus

"Alright, we need a random question!" Bill told the others. They were siting at the kitchen table, deep in thought, when the door swung open and Remus walked in.

"Morning all." He said, yawning. He went to the bench to make himself a cup of tea.

Tonks' face split into an evil grin. She whispered her idea to the others, whose faces soon reflected her own.

Tonks got up, and went to make another coffee. While she stirred in the sugar, she turned to Remus. 

"Hey Remus… can I ask you something?"

He nodded, turning to go sit at the table.

"Do you prefer g-strings or boy shorts?"

SMASH! Remus dropped his tea. Sirius and Bill cracked up.

"W-w- w What?" Remus asked, his face turning red.

"Do you prefer g-strings or boy shorts?" Tonks asked innocently, forcing herself to keep a straight face.

Remus ran up the stairs. Tonks started laughing.

_**At the**____**order meeting that night…**_

Remus finished giving his report on werewolf activity.

"Any questions?" he asked the group.

Charlie raised a hand. "So they haven't actually picked a side yet?"

"No, but Voldemort is offering them much more than the rest of the wizarding community ever will. It is unlikely that they will stay neutral in this war."

Tonks raised her hand. "Do you prefer g-strings or boy shorts?" 

Everyone started laughing. Even Dumbledore had a chuckle. Remus blushed and muttered "No comment" before sitting down. 

_**The next day…**_

Remus was going for a walk through the park by Grimauld place. He was passing the playground when he noticed a bright pink head on the swings. Tonks jumped off the swing and ran over to join him.

"Hi Remus!" She beamed.

"Hello Nymphadora."

"Do you prefer g-strings or boy shorts?"

Remus groaned. "Why do you keep asking me that?" he cried.

"Because you wont answer!" Tonks retorted.

"Fine! G-strings! Are you happy now?" Remus stormed off in a huff.

"No!" Tonks called from the slide. "I don't own any of those!" 

Remus sat at the table that night with Sirius. Thankfully, Tonks was on guard duty, and couldn't ask any more stupid questions.

"So, Remus, I hear from my little cousin you're a g-string man." Sirius said conversationally. Remus blushed again.

"NO! I … I didn't mean it!" Remus stuttered as he tried to explain.

"So you really like boy shorts?" Sirius asked.

"I don't know! I don't care!" Remus put his face in his hands. "And, do you know, when I told her that-" Remus looked up again- " She told me she doesn't own any!! Why?! I'm so lost!" Remus looked at Sirius who was starring at Remus with raised eyebrows.

"Moony, are you really that blind?" Sirius asked.

Remus blushed again. "Oh."

When Remus woke up the next day, he went down to breakfast with his fingers crossed. He hoped Sirius hadn't told Tonks about their conversation last night. Things could get a bit awkward. He also hoped Tonks was satisfied with his answer and wouldn't feel the urge to ask him again. He took it as a good sign that she smiled at him when he sat down.

"Hey Sirius, can you pass me the cookie jar?" She asked, yawning.

Sirius snorted, then passed her a jar, grinning.

"But Sirius, its empty!" Tonks exclaimed.

"Someone must have stolen them!" Sirius said thoughtfully. Then… 

"Who stole the cookie from the cookie jar? Remus stole the cookie from the cookie jar!" Tonks and Sirius burst into song.

"Noo!" Remus rolled his eyes and left the room. " I'm going upstairs." He muttered. Unfortunately, Tonks and Sirius followed him.

"Who stole the cookie from the cookie jar? Remus stole the cookie from the cookie jar! Who stole the cookie from the cookie-" Remus slammed his bedroom door in their faces.

"Well, at least he's getting annoyed!" Tonks laughed.

_**After dinner that night…**_

"Mum, could you pass me a cookie?" Bill asked.

"No." interrupted Sirius. "Someone stole the last one." he glared at Remus.

"Who stole the cookie from the cookie jar? Remus stole the cookie from the cookie jar!" Tonks started to sing. Bill and Sirius joined in for the next five rounds. At the start of the sixth, Remus stood up, drawing his wand. His face was livid as he made for Sirius. Arthur and Kingsley quickly grabbed his arms. A vein throbbed in Remus' temple as he struggled.

Sirius looked very offended that Remus had tried to attack him. Tonks patted him sympathetically on the arm. "I always knew he was insane," she said, shaking her head. "I've known it for _years_."

"But you only met me a few moths ago!" Remus yelled.

"Calm down Remus!" Arthur scolded. "Come on, lets get you upstairs." Arthur and Kingsley pulled Remus out of the Kitchen, while Tonks stifled a giggle.

"Like I said, he's insane." 

"Shut up!" Remus called down the stairs.

Alright! Please review and make me happy!! You know you want to…


	3. Chapter 3: a question for han solo

Remus was extremely relieved the next morning when Tonks and Sirius didn't burst into song when he came down the stairs.

"Morning." He said, taking a piece of toast.

"Morning Joe." said Sirius.

"Nice to see ya, Luke!" Tonks yawned.

Remus looked around the room. It was empty. "Who's Joe and Luke?" Remus asked, confused.

"I dunno Mike." Tonks shrugged.

"Why are you calling me Mike?" Remus asked, frowning.

"Its your nickname, silly!" Tonks laughed.

"Duh Teddy Bear!" Sirius said, rolling his eyes.

Bill walked into the kitchen, yawning. "Morning Sirius. Tonks. Brandy."

"Not you too!" Remus groaned.

"What do you mean, Marcus? Just using your nicknames, Steve!"

"Well, I'm going out." Remus hurried up the stairs to the front door.

"See ya Frank!" Tonks called.

"Right, so who wants to ask the big question?" Tonks asked. "I did the last one."

"Ill do it," Sirius offered. "But when to ask? Hmm…"

_**That night at dinner…**_

"Max, can you pass the spuds?" Tonks asked.

Everyone starred at her.

"Who's Max?" Molly asked.

"oh, we gave Remus some new nicknames." Tonks smiled.

"Can you pass the spuds, Garry?" Tonks looked expectantly at Remus. 

"Fine." He passed her the bowl.

"Thanks Alex."

"How many nicknames did you give Remus, dear?" Molly asked.

"I dunno. I'm not keeping track." Tonks said through a mouthful of potato.

"Colin, pass the salt." Sirius said to Remus. 

Remus rolled his eyes and threw the salt shaker across the table to Sirius.

"Remus!" Molly exclaimed.

"That wasn't very nice Dave!" Tonks scolded.

Remus was seething. What were they doing? How were those nicknames? They were totally unrelated. He got up and left the table before he was tempted to strangle someone. Namely Sirius.

"See ya tomorrow Eddie!" Bill called.

_**The next day…**_

_**Remus went down to the kitchen early, so that he could eat his breakfast in peace. Unfortunately, he was followed almost immediately by Sirius, Bill, and a sleepy Tonks, who was still in her pyjamas. **_

"_**Nice pyjamas." He smirked. Tonks stuck out her tongue.**_

"_**Morning Adam."**_

"_**Hi George."**_

"_**Hey Benji."**_

_**Remus tried to ignore them, but Sirius sat in front of him.**_

"_**I've got a question for you, Han Solo."**_

"_**What?"**_

"_**Where do babies come from?"**_

"_**What?!" Remus yelled, jumping out of his seat.**_

"_**Where do babies come from Sam?" Sirius repeated.**_

"_**Ask Molly!" Remus exclaimed. Sirius shook his head.**_

"_**No! You're my friend, Jake. I want you to tell me." Sirius said with a straight face.**_

"_**Too bad. I'm not telling you." Remus stormed out of the room.**_

"_**Ill get it out of him." Sirius assured the others.**_

_**Remus was having a nice hot shower. For some reason, he kept seeing Tonks in the old, holey shirt she had been wearing downstairs. And he had to admit, she looked pretty good. He pulled back the shower curtain, and gave a yell.**_

"_**Sirius! What are you doing?" **_

_**Sirius got off the floor, smirking at Remus, who was trying to cover himself with the curtain.**_

"_**Where do babies come from?" He asked innocently.**_

"_**Get out!" Remus shouted.**_

_**When Remus went to his room later that day to fill out a report for Dumbledore, he found Sirius sitting cross legged on his bed.**_

"_**Where do babies come from?"**_

"_**Sirius! You know perfectly well where babies come from." Remus said irritably. **_

"_**No I don't."**_

_**Remus starred at Sirius, who had hung his head, shamefaced.**_

_**Man I'm a good actor, Sirius thought.**_

"_**Really? Your parents never told you?" Remus asked, surprised. Sirius shook his head.**_

"_**Well… I suppose id better tell you then." Remus said, taking pity on his friend. Sirius looked up, relieved.**_

"_**Thanks Ned. You're the best!" Sirius exclaimed. "Can you imagine what Molly would say if I asked her?" they both shuddered.**_

"_**Urgh… but I'm only going to tell you if you behave at dinner tonight. Got it?" Remus said sternly. Sirius nodded enthusiastically, then left Remus to do his report.**_

"_**I did it!" Sirius exclaimed, going into Tonks' room, where she and Bill were waiting, listening to music.**_

"_**He actually told you?" Tonks asked, surprised.**_

"_**No, but he's gonna tell me tomorrow!" **_

"_**Hi-5!" Said Bill, and they exchanged hi-5s. **_

_**Dinner that night passed without incident.**_

_**But Sirius was up bright and early for his talk with Remus.**_

_**Bill and Tonks sat outside Remus' door, an extendable ear attached to one of their own.**_

"_**So Sirius, I'm gonna skip the whole sex bit, because id have to be an absolute retard to think you didn't know about that."**_

"_**Dang it!" Tonks cursed. "I was looking forward to that!" they went back to Remus and Sirius' conversation.**_

"_**But when a…"**_

_**Tonks and Bill sat at the door, faces frozen with looks of horror and disgust.**_

"_**Ewww!" Tonks cried.**_

_**From inside came a loud laugh. "You expect me to believe that? I'm not stupid, you know!"**_

"_**But that's the truth!" Remus protested.**_

"_**Sure it is. I cant believe you wont take me seriously, Moony!"**_

_**Tonks and Bill scattered as Sirius came out of Remus' room, disgust etched in his face. As soon as he slammed the door, he turned to Tonks.**_

"_**I am so unbelievably glad I'm not a girl. I feel so sorry for you. Now when you get grumpy every month, ill know why." he shuddered as Tonks started to giggle.**_

"_**We have success!" Bill laughed. **_


	4. Chapter 4:Yeah right!

Remus was getting a bit suspicious about Tonks and Sirius, what with all their stupid questions. What did they want? Were they just out to annoy him? He pondered over the dilemma at the next order meeting.

"So, is Hagrid having any luck with the giants?" Kingsley asked.

"He said that the death eaters had turned up." Remus replied. A loud snigger came from the other end of the table.

"Yeah, like we'll ever believe that!" Sirius said sarcastically.

"Sirius, we've got a report from Hagrid right here." Moody held up a leaf of papers.

"Oh, well then, I suppose they have then." Sirius shrugged.

They talked late into the night, after the meeting had ended, about Hagrid's situation with the giants. Tonks ended the conversation at 2 in the morning.

"Well, this is real interesting and all, but I'm gonna go to bed so I don't look or act like a giant tomorrow." She went upstairs yawning.

Remus stood up. "I'm going to bed as well."

"Yeah, like we'll ever believe that!" Bill said, rolling his eyes, while Sirius fell to the floor laughing.

"Immature." Remus muttered, heading up the stairs.

"I heard that!" Sirius called. "And like we'll ever believe that!"

The next morning Remus was woken by Tonks. She was sitting on his bed with neon yellow hair that hurt to look at so early. And she was in that holey shirt again. Remus gave a yell and fell out of bed, tangled in his sheets. Tonks giggled.

"Bother!" She poked the mess of sheets on the floor, and ran away. Remus disentangled himself.

"What was that for?" He yelled.

"Because it's Bothering Snape!" Tonks yelled. Then- "Arrrrrrrgh!"

Remus leapt down the stairs two at a time, to the next floor. Tonks had, apparently, fallen down the stairs.

"Here, I'll help you up," Remus offered. Tonks started to snigger.

"Yeah, like I'll ever believe that!" She used the banister to pull herself up. Then she poked Remus and apparated down the stairs- probably a much safer option.

When Remus came down the stairs Sirius and Bill were waiting in the doorway.

"Poke!" They yelled, poking Remus and running away.

"Why are you going that?" Remus groaned, rubbing his over-poked stomach.

"Hakuna Matata!" Bill yelled back.

What the hell was Hakuna Matata? They were clearly insane, Remus thought.

Remus had to endure their poking for the whole day. They never gave him a straight answer as to why they were doing it either. Sirius told him it was because of "Global Warming" whatever that was. Bill said it had something to do with " Diddly Dee potatoes" ( in an Irish accent) and Tonks said it was all because "Its business time!" He wasn't sure what any of it had to do with poking.

By the end of the day, Tonks was bored of poking Remus. After the 50th poke, he'd learnt to run when he saw them approaching.

"My poking finger's sore!" She complained loudly.

"Well then, why don't we move on to number 8? Laugh at any and all plans he comes up with." Sirius suggested.

"Does that include, like, dinner plans and stuff like that?" Tonks asked.

"Any and all." Sirius smirked.

_**The next day…**_

Tonks was at work, so it was up to Bill and Sirius to annoy Remus. Their chance came at lunch, when Molly asked him if he'd be able to help her clean one of the upstairs closets.

"Sure Molly, I've just planned to meet Kingsley in Diagon alley at two, but ill help after that."

Sirius and Bill burst out laughing.

"What's so funny?" Remus asked.

"Your "Plan." You're going on a date with Kingsley!" Sirius laughed so hard he cried.

"No I'm not! He's got some information on a pack of feral werewolves that's been giving the aurrors trouble. that's all!" Remus insisted. Bill sniggered.

"But you're using a date as cover! You should have done it with Tonks!"

"No I'm not! We're meeting in a book shop! That's not a date!" Remus cried.

Sirius rolled his eyes. "Ahuh. And I'm the Easter bunny." he and Bill left the room sniggering.

_**The order meeting that week…**_

"_**Remus, it is time." Dumbledore said quietly. The table fell silent.**_

"_**Time for what?" Tonks asked, confused.**_

"_**I've got to go underground." Remus told her. She still looked confused. "With the Feral werewolves." Remus explained. **_

"_**You will have to be careful round Fenrir Greyback -"**_

_**Dumbledore was interrupted by a loud bout of laughter. Sirius and Bill were sitting next to Tonks, laughing their heads off. Tonks however, had not joined in. Her face was white.**_

"_**But Remus, that's stupid! You could get hurt, you could get killed-"**_

"_**I'm perfectly aware of that, thank you." Remus said coolly.**_

"_**Then why-" Tonks started but Remus cut her off.**_

"_**Because it needs to be done! And since I'm already… well, I'm really the only one suitable to go."**_

_**The table fell silent as Tonks and Remus rowed. Even Bill and Sirius stopped laughing.**_

"_**But its too dangerous Remus!" Tonks insisted.**_

"_**We cant afford to turn a blind eye where werewolves are concerned, Tonks! I'm going to be careful, I'm not like them, I can still control-"**_

"_**It doesn't matter! What if you die?" Tonks shouted. There was silence as her question hung in the air.**_

"_**That's a risk I'm willing to take. it's a risk we all took when we joined the order." Remus replied softly, trying to calm down. Why did Tonks have to do this now?**_

_**Tonks bit her lip. "Can it wait till after Christmas?" she asked quietly.**_

_**Remus looked at Dumbledore. He seemed faintly amused. "I suppose."**_

_**Tonks smiled relieved.**_

"_**What was that about?" Sirius asked her after the meeting. Tonks bit her lip. Sirius noticed she did this when she as nervous.**_

"_**Well, I was thinking about the list. 29- I found the perfect Chihuahua to give him for Christmas. It would be kind of odd if he got sent it in the middle of a group of hungry werewolves."**_

"_**Liar." Sirius smirked. " Tonks and Remus sitting in a tree, k-i-s-s-i-n-g! first comes love, then comes marriage, then comes a baby in a-" Tonks punched his arm.**_

"_**Shut up! I was just thinking though, that's ages down the list…"**_

"_**We can do it." Bill assured her. "We have to be up to 12 by next week though. We're at 8."**_

_**They nodded, thinking of the full moon.**_

"_**Well, in that case, id say its time to move on." Sirius grinned.**_

_**He leaned closer to Tonks. "You always were a horrible liar." he whispered**_

_**She bit her lip again, her pink hair darkening ever so slightly. "Don't tell him." She whispered back. Sirius grinned. "Too late."**_

"_**What?! You little bastard-" Sirius ran from the room, followed closely by Tonks, who's wand was drawn. **_


	5. Chapter 5:Nice Shirtless Skills!

After the embarrassing scene last night, Tonks was rather put off the list. She would have rather run to the nearest rock and curled up underneath. Or, apparated back to her flat and finished off a whole tub of chocolate ice cream while watching a crappy made for TV movie about a kid with leukaemia. But, this was not an option in the order of the phoenix. Nor was Sirius hearing any of it.

"Come on Tonks, its not as if they didn't already know!" Sirius had whined, when Tonks threatened to curse him if he didn't let her out the front door.

"What?!" Tonks yelled, and chased Sirius round the house (again), only stopping when she nearly tripped over a shirtless Remus walking out of the bathroom. Tonks forgot all about Sirius when faced with Remus' abs.

"Sorry!" She smirked, and quickly ran into her room.

Remus starred after Tonks in confusion. Was she turning on Sirius? Had they stopped annoying him now? He highly doubted it.

Sirius was very disappointed when Tonks had stopped chasing him. He'd been planning on leading her into the upstairs broom closet. Who knew what horrors awaited in there? He turned to see her run into her room, past a shirtless Remus. He was only wearing boxers, and looked very confused.

"Nice shirtless skills Moony!" Sirius grinned at his best friend. Remus blinked, now even more confused. "Huh?"

"Aw, come off it Moony! I know you've been perving on me! How else would you have such good shirtless skills? I taught you everything you know!" Sirius puffed out his chest proudly.

"I wouldn't exactly call it a skill Sirius." Remus told him. Being shirtless wasn't very hard, and it was certainly not a skill.

"But it is!" Sirius insisted. He pulled Charlie over, who was walking past. "Charlie my friend! Will you please tell Remus that going shirtless requires skill?"

"Well… I suppose it does." Charlie said thoughtfully.

"See! it's a skill." Sirius told Remus.

"Why are you arguing over that?" Charlie asked, bemused.

"Because-"

"Because I taught Remus everything he knows!" Sirius cut over Remus proudly. Tonks peeped her head around the door. "You taught Remus how to go shirtless?" She asked curiously. Remus shook his head frantically. "Sure did." Sirius announced.

"Well in that case, maybe ill have to see you shirtless some time." Tonks gave Sirius an evil grin, making him blush. "But I'm sure Remus has a way hotter bod than you anyway, so I wont waste my time." She chuckled, skipping off down the stairs, leaving everyone at the top utterly bewildered. "I hope she doesn't want to see me shirtless," Sirius said, worried.

"Don't worry Sirius. No one here does." Charlie assured him.

They had a new member join the order that night- one of Tonks friends, who worked in a potions store in Diagon alley. Tonks introduced her as Jackie.

"Who's that?" Jackie asked her a while later, nodding at Remus, who was deep in conversation with Arthur.

Tonks swelled with pride. "That's Remus. He's got the best shirtless skills ever! He learnt everything he knows-"

"From me!" Sirius popped up, joining their conversation.

"Exactly! Anyway, we're all very proud of him- all of us in the insanity response unit that is." Tonks smiled encouragingly.

"We just got him potty trained too!" Sirius beamed Jackie paled visibly.

"Did you want to talk to him? Ask him out?" Tonks asked brightly. Jackie shook her head vigorously.

"No, no, I was just wondering." Jackie quickly fled to the other side of the room to talk to Charlie. Sirius grinned at Tonks. "Nice work." Tonks gave a mock curtsey.

"I try my best." Sirius pointed to the door, where Kingsley was coming in.

"Are you thinking what I'm thinking?" He asked evilly.

"If you're thinking Bill, some fire whiskey and number 11, than I dare say so." Tonks smirked back.

"That's exactly what I was thinking." Sirius went over to Bill, and dragged him from Fleur while Tonks grabbed a bottle of fire whiskey.

"You've got to do it Bill, he wont believe us!" Sirius hissed into Bills ear, dragging him towards Kingsley. "Alright, alright, don't get your wand in a knot." Bill muttered, pulling his arm free.

"Hey Kingsley."

"Hi Bill."

"I've got something important to tell you." Bill motioned for Kingsley to follow him into a corner, away from everyone else.

"I know this is gonna sound gross, and completely unreal, but I heard it with my own ears, and you know I'm no liar." Kingsley nodded, and Bill took a deep breath.

"So, the other night, I was on my way upstairs to my bedroom, as you do. To get to my room, you have to pass the bathroom. Well, someone was in the shower, and they'd left the door open. And, well… Sorry, but I heard Remus wanking off to you." Bill rushed. Kingsley did a double take.

"Are- are you sure?" He asked, his voice cracking. Bill nodded.

"It was definitely Remus… moaning your name." Kingsley shuddered.

"Look, I did some digging, just to be sure… I found poems hidden all through his room. Love poems. You know Remus is a hopeless romantic- and they had your name all through them." Bill bit his lip, trying to look concerned, rather than like he was about to start laughing his arse off. Which he was.

Kingsley was frozen, his eyes fixed on Remus. "I gotta go." he ran from the room, past Tonks and Sirius, who were in the hallway, drinking rounds of fire whiskey.

"Oi, Kingsley, what's wrong?" Tonks asked, running after him.

"Bill heard Remus… wanking off … to me!" Kingsley whispered. He groaned, and ran from the house, looking quite deranged. Sirius sniggered. "Well, I'm off to congratulate young Bill on driving Kingsley insane."

"And I'm off to have a cry- I just cant believe Remus is gay!" Tonks said shocked, only just able to hide her laughter.

"Don't worry, ill spread plenty of rumours while you're gone." Sirius smirked.

"I just hope Kingsley's ok,." Tonks said, biting her lip.

"I'm sure he's fantabulous." Sirius rolled his eyes, heading back to the kitchen to spread as many rumours as he could.

Within the next ten minutes, everyone except Molly, and Remus himself, had heard some rumour about Remus wanking off to Kingsley. Most of them were grossly over exaggerated. The best part was that Remus had no idea why people were giving him dirty looks. It was brilliant!

The trio spent the rest of the week laughing at Remus, who was still at a complete loss as to why everyone was laughing at him. Sirius was sure to whisper things to Bill as they walked past, making bits like "I cant believe it!" and "I thought he liked Tonks!" and "And with Kingsley!" particularly loud so that Remus could hear. Tonks often ran off crying whenever Remus tried to talk to her, and she refused to make eye contact. Sirius had to admit, all the crying was brilliant acting on her part. It had gotten to the stage where Remus was asking Molly if he'd done something wrong.

"Why wont she talk to me, Sirius?" Remus asked him, two nights before the full moon.

"Well, its because of the whole Kingsley thing, I guess." Sirius replied, flicking through the daily prophet. "What Kingsley thing?" Remus asked, confused.

"Come off it! Everyone knows that you were wanking off to Kingsley last week!"

Remus blushed. "I was not!"

"You were! And what's with the hidden poetry Remus? You know you gave Kingsley a mental breakdown?" Sirius informed him.

"But I wasn't wanking off to Kingsley!" Remus insisted.

"Who were you wanking off to then?" Sirius asked.

"Nym- no one. I wasn't wanking off full stop!" Remus stood, and ran upstairs to find Tonks, leaving Sirius sniggering at having caught his friend out.

Tonks was lying on the floor, feet resting on the bed, listening to her favourite band, The Weird Sisters.

"So take your hands off me tonight I'm breaking free this is the night! This is the night!" Tonks was singing along very loudly. As soon as she saw Remus, she let out a groan of despair, and threw a book at him. "I cant believe you Remus Lupin!" She yelled, getting up and slamming the door in his face.

"Tonks, I'm-"

"I don't want to hear it! How could you let me think that we had a chance-"

"Tonks! I'm not gay!" Remus yelled. She opened the door, eyebrows raised.

"You're not gay."

"No." Remus shook his head, relieved that she understood.

Tonks sniggered and patted him on the cheek. "I know sweetie." She went downstairs, giggling. Remus stood, frozen. She had known all along! He was going to kill-

"SIRIUS!"


	6. Chapter 6: Full moons and Karaoke paties

That full moon, the trio of mischief makers headed over to Remus' house, having eaten nothing all day. They were all having chocolate cravings. They were pumped to annoy Remus some more.

They apparated at the top of a narrow lane, bordered with shadowy willows. A small cottage lay at the end, with ivy creeping up the walls. The full moon cast the cottage in a pearly, fluorescent light.

"Remus has a nice place," Tonks observed, as they walked down the lane, Sirius wagging his tail round their feet. Tonks knocked when they reached the wooden door. "Remus?" She called. A faint growl sounded from inside.

"You better check he's had his potion," Bill told Sirius, who let out a doggy sigh, but squeezed through the door Tonks had charmed open, just enough to let Sirius through. He had barely been in for a minute when he appeared back at the door, in human form.

"Its all good, come on in." He ushered them inside.

The cottage was quite small on the inside, having only five rooms, all painted in varying shades of blue.

Tonks gasped when she entered the bedroom- it was by far the biggest room, and half of it was taken up by an enormous bed. On top of the bed sat a large, sandy grey wolf, who jumped up when he saw Tonks, and leapt at her, eager to lick her face.

"Nice to see you too!" Tonks laughed, pushing Remus down. Tonks jumped on the bed, swinging her legs over the edge like a five year old. Sirius hauled Bill out of the room. "Give you two some private time," he grinned. Tonks poked out her tongue. She absentmindedly scratched Remus behind the ears, and he moved his head to rest in her lap. Remus looked up at Tonks with big, doleful brown eyes.

"You know, for a werewolf, you're pretty cute." Tonks smirked, just before Sirius and Bill came back in, arms piled high with chocolate bars. They had discovered Remus' stash. Remus let out a long whine. "Come on Moony, share for once!" Sirius scolded him. Tonks sniggered, helping herself to some of the chocolate. Remus put a paw on her thigh, looking at her pleadingly. Tonks smirked. "You know your hand wouldn't be there any other day, Remus." He quickly removed his paw, watching with longing as Bill unwrapped a chocolate bar and shoved it in his mouth. "hmmmm… Caramel… fanks Remus!" He spat through a mouth of chocolate. Tonks ripped open a block of chocolate, breaking off a huge hunk. "Thanks Remus! Fruit and nuts my favourite!"

"I bet it is," Sirius smirked, eyes twinkling. Tonks threw chocolate at him. Remus whined again, his distaste at their casual waste of his precious chocolate obvious. Sirius was sorting his into piles of flavours, while Bill shoved everything within reach into his big mouth. Remus growled at him. Bill rolled his eyes, swallowing. "Hey Remus, wanna hear some totally awesome werewolf jokes?" Remus' ears perked up, and Tonks nodded through her mouthful of chocolate.

"What kind of monster is washing machine safe?" Sirius shrugged, and Tonks rolled her eyes.

"A wash and wear-wolf!" Bill snapped his fingers, but no one laughed. Remus looked away, scratching behind his ears.

"What happened to the werewolf who swallowed a clock?" Bill asked, eyeing Remus scratching. "He got ticks…" Remus stopped scratching.

"I've got a good one!" Sirius said. "What do you get if you cross a witch with a werewolf?" Tonks glared at Sirius, who smirked. "A mad dog that chases airplanes." Tonks threw a king size block of chocolate at him, and it hit him in the head. Remus started growling, raising his hackles. Sirius started shovelling chocolate into his mouth.

By the time Remus shooed them out to transform , all his chocolate was gone.

"God, I feel sooooo stuffed!" Tonks complained, holding her stomach. "I'm never eating that much chocolate ever again…"

"Not even if Remus said he'd snog you if you did?" Sirius asked casually. 

"Well, maybe," Tonks admitted.

Remus came through several minutes later, wearing boxers and an old t-shirt, wincing as he limped in. Tonks looked, up, worried.

"Sprained ankle," Remus explained. Bill waved his wand, healing his ankle.

"Thanks." Remus sat on the couch, looking at the rubbish bin, overflowing with chocolate wrappers. "I still cant believe you ate all my chocolate. What am I going to do now?" 

Tonks bit her lip. "Sorry." Sirius rolled his eyes, and threw a chocolate bar at Remus.

"We're not that annoying." Remus grinned, taking a large bite. 

"Thanks. You guys might as well go, I'm not gonna be up to much today," Remus told them.

"Hey! I've got an idea! I'm having some friends over for pizza tonight. You guys could all come chillax with us." Tonks suggested. Remus rolled his eyes as Tonks gave him a pleading puppy eyed look.

"Fine! What time?"

When the trio left, they had organised to come round to Tonks' apartment at 6, with Sirius in disguise as Bills dog Snuffles. 

Bill and Sirius came round early, to help set up. Tonks was getting Bill to connect the Karaoke to the TV- Bill wasn't doing so well. Soon, the doorbell rang, and all of Tonks' friends turned up.

"Bill, this is Amber, Becky, Kirsty, Susan, Kayleigh, Hannah, Sacha and Laura! Guys, this is Bill- and Snuffles." Soon they were all chatting about the weird sisters concert the next month. They were all playing 80's karaoke when Remus arrived. "Hi Remus!" Tonks gave Remus a hug, and introduced him to everyone. Remus couldn't help noticing she was wearing a very short silver dress, showing off very nice legs. Tonks winked, smirking, when she saw him starring. "You wanna sing with me?" She asked him, taking advantage of his embarrassing moment.

"um… well…" Tonks gave Remus her puppy dog eyes again. "Ok." 

"Bags choosing the song!" Bill called, as Kirsten and Becky finished Kama chameleon. Tonks shoved a microphone in Remus' hands, as the clip started, and the words flashed across the screen.

"Girls just wanna have fun?!" Remus groaned, turning to a smirking Bill.

"Good choice!" Sacha called, as all the girls giggled.

_I come home, in the morning light_

_My mother says when you gonna live your life right?_

_Oh mama dear we're not the fortunate ones,_

_And girls, they wanna have fun_

_Oh girls just wanna have fun_

Remus was very embarrassed. He couldn't sing well, and not that high, so his voice kept cracking, to everyone's general amusement. And he still couldn't keep his eyes off Tonks legs!

_that's all they really want_

_Some fun_

_When the working day is done _

_Oh girls, they wanna have fun_

_Oh girls just wanna have fun_

By the end of the song, Bill was on the floor, pounding it with tears of silent laughter running down his face. Remus could feel the colour rising in his cheeks. he hastily put the microphone down, sitting on the couch next to Amber. Tonks looked disappointed." You don't want to do heaven is a place on earth?"

"NO!" 

"Well I think you did great. You know-" Amber moved closer- "Girls do just wanna have fun." She flashed Remus a sexy smile.

"oh, um… really?" Remus stuttered.

"Amber, leave the poor fellow alone! Come help me with this garlic bread!" Tonks called. Amber gave a loud sigh, before getting up to help Tonks. "Don't put it in the microwave! Ah! Tonks, its got tinfoil! You're gonna blow us up!" Amber turned at the entrance to the kitchen, and gave Remus a suggestive wink. Remus shuddered. he'd had enough of Tonks' friends to last a lifetime.

Later that night, only Remus, Bill, Snuffles, Amber And Tonks were left. Tonks turned to Remus with a big grin on her face. "Guess what?" 

"What?" Remus asked.

"Ambers joining the order!"

"WHAT?"

**A/N: hey guys, sorry for the wait! Shout out to ambalishous for the jokes! You rock!**


	7. Chapter 7: Werewolf orgies

Remus was horrified. Amber was in the order? Now he would never get a moments peace!

He was right, of course. Tonks, Bill, and Sirius had already clued her in on their list.

"I'm Keen!" Amber said, starting to smirk. "I'll make things very awkward…"

The next morning when Remus got up to have a shower (only wearing his boxers) he found Tonks and Amber at the top of the stairs. Amber looked at Remus and started sniggering. She elbowed Tonks, who joined in.

"What's so funny?" Remus asked. Amber suddenly stopped laughing and turned serious.

"You're a werewolf, aren't you?" Remus nodded nervously. Amber turned to Tonks.

"How do you stop a werewolf from attacking you?"

Tonks shrugged. "How?"

"Throw a stick and shout fetch!" The girls collapsed in fits of laughter. Tonks pointed at Remus.

"That's funny!" Remus rolled his eyes and went to have a shower. He could hear them giggling for ages.

When he came out, Sirius was in the hall talking with Amber, who he had taken a liking to, and Dumbledore. As he passed all three turned to look at him. Then Amber and Sirius started laughing. Even Dumbledore gave a small chuckle.

"Why is everyone laughing at me?" Remus demanded. "What is so funny?"

When no one answered, Remus marched off, frustrated.

"You know, for a werewolf, I always expected him to be more rugged looking. He's too pretty." Amber said loudly to Sirius.

Remus ground his teeth, clenching his hands into fists.

"Pretty's still hot," Tonks assured him, sticking her head out her bedroom door.

_**At the order meeting that night…**_

Remus was giving a report on the werewolf attacks from the last full moon.

"Any Questions?" He asked. Tonks raised her hand.

"So Greybacks targeting muggles? But that's useless! They don't have wands, they wont be able to-"

Remus cut her off. "They still make up numbers. And they'll be able to rip… and bite."

Amber raised her hand. "Do werewolves have orgies?"

Tonks, Sirius, and Bill burst into laughter.

"I… I don't think that's appropriate." Remus stuttered. "Anyway… I have to go."

Everyone else was laughing now, as Remus blushed profusely.

"Oh my God! They so do!" Amber whispered loudly. "And he's so been to one! No wonder he's got all those scars!"

"arrgh!" Remus turned, his face set in an ugly scowl. Kingsley and Moody grabbed his arms as he fought to reach Amber, his arms outstretched. She turned to Tonks.

"I've always said he's insane. I've known it for years."

"What the hell?? You only met me yesterday!!" Remus yelled, fighting his restraints harder.

"Right, come on, didn't you have to go somewhere?" Kingsley said loudly, dragging Remus from the room.

_**The next day…**_

Remus came back to Grimauld place, after he had calmed down a bit.

"Sorry for trying to attack you," he told Amber.

"Its all good." She smiled. "Hey Tonks! Remus just invited me to an orgy!! You down?"

Tonks ran out of her room, grinning. "I'm so down!"

"No! there's no orgy, I swear!!" Remus insisted.

"Great! Now he doesn't want to have sex with me! What a bastard!" Tonks muttered. "Well, have fun at your orgy without me!" She joked with Amber, before throwing Remus a dirty look and saying loudly "Werewolves are all the same! Selfish bastards!" then she slammed her door.

"Thanks," Remus said dryly, glaring at Amber.

"Your welcome." Amber turned to go, and whispered loudly to Sirius as he came out of the study. "Remus has terrible flirting skills!! That was worse than watching Edward Scissorhands masturbate!!"

Remus stood, stunned, spluttering. His flirting (not that he had been flirting with Tonks. Or Amber) was worse than watching who? He didn't like the sound of those scissor hands…

Urgh… bad mental images…

_**The next day…**_

Remus crept downstairs, hoping to avoid being seen by anyone (well, namely a certain someone with pink hair) but, Tonks and Amber were already in the Kitchen. Tonks glared at Remus, who had started to back out of the room slowly.

"Don't worry, we were just leaving," Amber said, grabbing Tonks and pulling her past Remus, muttering something in her ear. Tonks smirked as she passed him.

"I bet he's no good in bed anyway." Amber said loudly.

"Hey! I resent that!" Remus yelled.

"Well then prove it!!" Tonks yelled back.

"Fine!" Remus shouted without thinking.

"Fine! My room, 8:00!" Tonks yelled, before running upstairs, giggling.

"Fi- what? What? No!! no, no, no!!" Crap! What had he just agreed to? Remus stood stuttering, as he realised. Her room, 8:00? That could only mean one thing… "SIRIUS!!"

Remus ran round the house like a madman. He didn't want to have sex… not with Nymphadora… it was just wrong! He found Sirius in the study, talking to Amber.

"Really?" She was saying. "I like dogs a little too much…"

Remus stopped in the doorway, face bright red. "Ahhmm…"

"Hey Moony. Whats up?" Sirius said casually. "Heard you gonna do my little cousin tonight. Good on you!!" Sirius smirked, watching his words take effect. Remus was starting to panic.

"Can you go?" He asked Amber, as he started hyperventilating. She rolled her eyes, and left, slamming the door behind her.

"So, was Amber joking, or are you actually getting some tonight?" Sirius asked eagerly.

Remus took a deep breath, and started to explain. "Well, see I told Nymphadora I would, because she said I was no good in… you know…, I said it was a lie so she said to prove it and I said fine and she said fine and then she told me to meet her in her room at 8:00 and I really didn't know what id agreed to till after and I really didn't mean it." Remus said in one breath.

"Ok. Let me get this straight… you told Tonks you'd get freaky with her, but you didn't know, and you don't want to?!? You are truly insane, my good friend."

Remus stirred uncomfortably. "Well, what can I do?" He asked. "I'm not going to… "Get Freaky" with her."

Sirius shrugged. "Just tell her you got the wrong end of the stick."

"She wont believe that!" Remus said, stressing.

"Then your kind of screwed. Literally." Sirius smirked as he got up to leave. "What ever you do, Moony, don't make a mess of the sheets. They're 100% Egyptian silk. Very hard to come by. I don't want to be cleaning your sex dirt off them for the next month." Sirius smirked again. As he reached the door, he whispered loudly, "Why does he never take my advice? Man, Moony is soooo stupid!"

So, at quarter to eight, Remus went up to tell Tonks that he had, indeed gotten the wrong end of the stick. He opened her door, only to find her jumping round on the bed (Sirius wouldn't be too happy about the condition of those sheets) in a purple bra and matching boy shorts, singing and playing hat he supposed was the air guitar.

"Can you dance the hippogriff?Ma ma ma, ma ma ma, ma ma maFlyin' off from a cliffMa ma ma, ma ma ma, ma ma maSwooping down, to the groundMa ma ma, ma ma ma, ma ma maWheel around and around and around and aroundMa ma ma, ma ma ma, ma ma ma!"

She stopped air guitaring when she slipped on the silk sheets, and almost fell off the bed, doing a mutated kind of ballet twirl. She blushed when she saw Remus standing in the doorway, watching her. She juped to the floor, switching off the music with her wand.

"I didn't think you'd come." She admitted.

"Well , I wasn't going to, but then I thought id better tell you…"

"Tell me what?" Tonks breathed. Remus could smell her shampoo, a nice, berry sort of smell. Tonks moved close, her face now inches from Remus'.

"I- I forget." Remus stuttered. She was coming closer- their noses were almost touching.

"You weren't gonna chicken out, were you?" Tonks asked, snaking her arms round Remus' neck.

"I don't think so…" Remus grinned wrapping his arms round Tonks' waist. Their lips were millimetres apart…

The door smashed open.

"Hey Tonks come downstairs, there been a…" Sirius faltered as Tonks and Remus jumped apart, Tonks in her underwear, and Remus looking very pissed off with himself. Sirius smirked how could he have forgotten? It was 8:00...

"Am I interrupting something?" He asked, eyeing Tonks' underwear. "Thought you were over the Weird Sisters?" Tonks poked her tongue out, covering the bands name on her bra.

"No." Remus blushed, as he answered. Sirius smirked again. "So my sheets are safe?" Tonks raised an eyebrow. "Since when did you care about your sheets so much?" She asked cooly.

"Since I was gonna have to wash your sex dirt off them." Sirius retorted. Tonks blushed.

"Well, weren't you saying something?" She asked.

"Oh yea… umm, its clean out of my head after that…" Sirius shrugged putting on a (rather bad) innocent face. Tonks hair turned black. "Thanks very much, Cousin, but, if you two don't mind, I'm going to bed! OUT!" She slammed the door in their faces.

"Sorry mate." Sirius clamped a hand on Remus' shoulder. "There's always tomorrow though. If Tonks will talk to you, that is!"

**AN/ hey guys! im sooo sorry about how long it took to update!!! i feel horrible about it! ive been studying for exams, and this was my first chance to update. please bear with me, im sorry this one goes off the list a bit, but i thought we needed to see some stuff with just remus and tonks, not sirius, bill ect. please review, and if you have any ideas... im a bit stuck! it would be apprecited :)**


	8. Chapter 8: Its a long Drunk night

The next day, Moody came over to Grimauld place, with news that a party of death eaters had been captured trying to torture a muggle family.

Sirius thought this was reason to celebrate (since there was nothing else going on) and he dragged Tonks, Remus, Bill, Charlie, and Amber downstairs for drinks. Winking at Tonks, Sirius pulled out the oldest bottle of fire whiskey in the house, and poured a glass of it for Remus. "I've been saving it for an occasion like this! He'll be wasted in no time!" he sniggered.

"I suppose we're having a dance party?" Asked Tonks, catching on, and matching his evil grin with one of her own. She took Remus his drink.

"Cheers!"

He rolled his eyes at her cherry attitude, and took a mouthful. Then he choked.

"Urgh! My god, what is that stuff?" he spluttered.

"Fire whiskey." Tonks said innocently. He raised an eyebrow. "Honest! Here…" she grabbed his glass and took a gulp, knowing she could hold her liquor a lot better then Remus. Soon after seeing Tonks drink some, and not choke to death, Remus was chugging the stuff back like water. In no time at all, he was completely drunk.

"I'm soger, I'm soger! Honest! I'm not as think as you drunk I am!" at this point the started laughing uncontrollably.

"Remind me never to let Remus drink that much ever again." Sirius muttered to Tonks.

"Well, at least he's a happy drunk." Tonks pointed out.

"Hey, Remus! I've got a great idea! Why don't you start a conga line?"

" Brilliant!" Remus slurred, and he pulled Tonks into line behind him, and started singing loudly, and very off key.

"Its business, its business time!"

Tonks pulled Amber into line, who pulled Sirius, who grabbed Charlie, who was confused. Bill stayed on the sidelines, taking pictures with Tonks' muggle camera. (They had decided black mail material could come in handy later.) Remus led them round the room, dancing conga style, to his own song. Eventually though, he passed out, still giggling in his sleep. He was so pissed; Tonks doubted it would wear off by the morning.

It didn't. Sirius came downstairs the next morning, to find Remus sprawled at the bottom of the stairs, amidst a pile of cloaks, and a broken coat stand.

"I can't do it Pads! I can't do it! I can't get up, and it's so high…"

"What the hell are you talking about, Moony?"

"The stairs! I can't climb them! They're so big…"

"Right… you stay there, ill be back in a tick." he ran upstairs, and barged into Tonks' room.

"Get up Tonks! You have to see this!"

"Huh?" she stumbled out of bed. Sirius snorted when he saw she was wearing his "Mr Perfect" T-shirt from his school days. Tonks shrugged. "It was in my closet."

"Sure… you just want a piece of the beast." He grinned. "Anyway, go get Amber, ill get the sober up potion, you guys have to see what's happened, it's so funny…"

Tonks dragged Amber out of bed, and they met Sirius at the top of the stairs. He led them down to where Remus was lying, talking to himself.

"Bother! Ha ha, only nine sickles and a dung bomb, my lucky day… aha…. Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious even though the sound of it is something quite…. Oh, look at the fairy lights!"

Tonks giggled, and bent down next to him. "Hey Remmy! Come on; time to get up…" she held out a hand. Grinning foolishly, Remus took it, and Tonks tried to pull him up. But, being Tonks, she tripped, stumbled backwards into he wall, pulling Remus along with her. He fell on her, and, on a very drunk impulse, pressed his lips against hers.

"Oh my god!" Amber squealed. Sirius laughed.

They broke apart, Remus still grinning like a prize idiot. He raised a finger. "Right, now…" he fell backwards onto the floor, unconscious.

"Holy. Crap. You kissed!" Said Amber. Grinning. Tonks smiled dreamily. "Yeah, we did…"

Still laughing, Sirius poured the Sober up potion down his friends' throat. Remus sat up, coughing.

"Ahh… my head! What happened… last night…"

"You got pissed off your rocker." Sirius said, smirking. Remus paled. He glanced at Tonks, who blushed, and looked away.

"what did I do?" he asked.

"oh, the usual. Singing, dancing, more drinking. You weren't coherent after 15 minutes." Sirius said casually.

"So why isn't Tonks looking at me?" Remus muttered.

"Oh, that. Probably because you just snogged her, then conked out. You don't remember anything, do you?" Sirius asked gleefully. Remus shook his head. Tonks and Amber went past into the kitchen, Tonks still not looking at Remus. But smiling to herself. Amber winked at him.

"I'm in deep shit, aren't I?" He said dolefully.

"Yup. Sure are." Sirius replied. Bouncing on the spot.

The two men entered the Kitchen, where Molly was cooking breakfast. She threw Sirius a disapproving glare, before turning back to the stove.

Suddenly, from behind Remus came a loud clang, followed by a yell of pain. A fry pan clattered to the ground by Remus' feet.

"Ouch! What was that for, Remus?" Tonks cried, holding her head, where a large red lump was starting to form. Her eyes welled up with tears. Amber glared at Remus, while comforting her friend.

"That was horrible! What on earth possessed you to do that, Remus" Molly asked, hands on hips.

Remus was dumbfounded. "What? I didn't do anything!"

"You just hit me over the head with a fry pan!" Tonks cried, letting some of the tears slip down her cheeks. She gave a small smile when Sirius gave her a hug.

"honestly Moony, what has gotten into you lately? First you get drunk, then you start a conga line, and now you hit Tonks with a fry pan…"

"I started a WHAT?" Remus groaned.

"Remus, that is completely irresponsible. I can't believe you!" Molly scolded.

"Molly, you can't actually believe that I would hit Nymphadora over the-"

"Do you think I'm stupid enough to think that she hit her self over the head with the fry pan, and just threw it by you so it looked like you did it? that's ridiculous! Honestly, I'm disappointed in you, Remus. I know you were drunk last night, which is bad in its self, but that's no reason to go round hitting people with fry pans! You could have killed her! And you and Tonks are supposed to be friends! That was a nasty thing to do!"

"Especially after snogging her." Amber muttered.

Remus' hands balled into fists. It was taking all his self-control not to hit her. Amber seemed to notice this, and whispered to Tonks "its time for puppy's nap."

Remus stormed out of the kitchen, heading upstairs. He hadn't even reached the stairs, however, when he felt a sharp pain I his shin. He turned to see Tonks running away, laughing.

All day, Remus had to endure their kicking in the shins at random moments. And the running away laughing. He was starting to wonder if they were injecting Heroin into their eyeballs, or if Sirius had finally cracked, and was dragging Tonks don in to the pits of insanity with him. Which was a shame if that was the case. However, the first option seemed much more likely…

That night at dinner, Remus sat as far away from Sirius, Tonks, and Amber. But, somehow, they still managed to kick him when he wasn't looking. It didn't help that Molly had told everyone that he had hit Tonks with the Fry pan. Bill had been laughing so hard he couldn't breathe. Moody had offered to hit him on the head with fry pan to see hoe he liked it. Tonks had laughed loudly at that.

They were just starting desert when Sirius turned to Tonks, face planting himself.

"I can't believe I forgot! Remus told me the funniest thing last night."

"Really? What?" Tonks asked, taking a bit of her apple pie. Remus looked up, horrified. What had he told Sirius when he was drunk? Surely not something about Tonks?

"Well, see, he was telling me that he wished he could have blue fur sometimes, you know, just for a change, and I was like okay… and then he told me tat he had expected you to be prettier when he found out you were a metamorphmagus."

"He said that, did he?" Tonks starred coldly at Remus. "How nice."

"I didn't! I swear! I would never say anything like that!" Remus insisted.

"You were drunk. You don't remember anything." Amber pointed out.

"But I know I would never say that! She's already pretty…" he closed his mouth, realising he'd said too much. "I'm going to go." He said, blushing. He ran from the room.

"I'm still going to get you for that!" Tonks yelled after him.

"How?" Charlie asked, intrigued.

Tonks grinned evilly. "I have a plan!"

It was four o'clock in the morning, an Remus was fast asleep. He didn't hear his bedroom door creak open, or the swish of water as a huge bucket was dragged inside.

Tonks and Sirius, however, heard perfectly when Remus muttered "Dora" In his sleep. Tonks bit her lip to stop her self from laughing.

"sweet dreams," She murmured, before she and Sirius tipped the bucket over Remus.

"AHHHH!" Remus woke with a start, gasping for breath, wet and freezing.

"What was that for?" He cried, looking at his sodden bed. Sirius grinned.

"What was that for?" He pointed at the large bump on Tonks' head.

"Argh! That wasn't me! I'm going to kill you-"

Tonks and Sirius ran from the room, laughing.

"Always said he was insane!" Tonks yelled. "I've known it for years!"

**A/N: Finally! Another chapter! I completely understand if you want to kill me for the lack of updating. But the next chapter will be up soon, I promise! Sorry everyone! Ive been having major writers block with this story, but my muse has finally graced us with its presence. **

**Please, even if your hating me for not updating, review. You can tell me then :D**


	9. Chapter 9: haircuts and wet dreams

Tonks and Sirius left Remus alone for a few days, to give him a chance to cool down. They had forgotten to take his wand off him before dumping the bucket of water on him, and he had chased them round the house, yelling curses at them until he knocked Sirius out. Needless to say, they wouldn't forget to take that again.

Remus, however, was even more suspicious now that they were acting all innocent. He didn't trust their sincere apologies for bucketing water on him (why would they do that, anyway?) and was very concerned when he came downstairs to find Tonks, Bill and Amber sitting at the kitchen table, dipping their fingers into numerous mugs lined up in front of them, talking in hushed voices.

"That's too cold. It wont do anything…"

"Yea, but the pink mugs way too hot."

"Ahh…. What are you doing?" Remus asked nervously, standing in the doorway.

Tonks looked up. "Finding a good temperature."

"For what?"

She raised an eyebrow. "Water."

Remus rolled his eyes. "No way! I mean, do you want hot, cold, or warm?"

"Oh. Right. Ahh… warm, I believe." Tonks replied, dipping her fingers into a blue mug.

"What for?" Remus asked casually. This was probably another trick…

"We're playing a trick on Ambers flatmate." Bill said smoothly, taking a bite of toast.

"Oh. Do you want some help?"

Tonks gave him a coy grin. "We'd love some."

So, with Remus' help they had the perfect "warm" temperature in ten minutes. After Remus left to have a shower, they all started giggling.

"Priceless!" said Amber, trying hard not to laugh too loud.

"What's priceless?" Sirius asked, yawning as he came into the kitchen.

"We were preparing for 21 when dear Remus walked in." Tonks explained. "And he so kindly offered to help." She smirked. "So it's got to work!"

"Handy." Sirius grinned, pouring himself a coffee.

"Indeed." Said Tonks.

So, that night, Tonks, Bill and Amber made a big deal of leaving Grimauld, saying they were going out before going back to Ambers place. They were really just going to go to a pub, and sneak back in in the early hours of the morning.

Tonks ran upstairs, making sure to bump onto Remus on her way.

"Oh, sorry! I forgot my wallet- we're going out for tea before we go to Ambers"

"Right. So ill see you tomorrow then?"

Tonks smirked. "Why? You gonna miss me tonight or something?"

"NO! I was just being po-"

I know. Gees. Yeah, ill be in tomorrow. See you then." she summoned her wallet from her room.

"Right. Well, have fun."

"Don't you worry. We will." Tonks grinned evilly, before running don the stairs, tripping several times, only to fall into Sirius at the bottom.

"Did I just hear Remus say that he'll miss you?"

Tonks shrugged, smirking. "Probably. You can never tell with him though."

"Don't worry. Ill interrogate him while you're out. Something fun to do."

Tonks grinned. "Have fun. We'll be back round midnight- see you then." Tonks ushered Amber and Bill out the door.

Sirius strolled casually upstairs to the study, where Remus could always found. Sure enough, there he was, starring blankly into space.

"So, Moony… you and Tonks, eh?"

"What? Me and who?" Remus spluttered.

"You and Tonks." Sirius replied, watching his friends' horrified expression.

"I'll have you know, Tonks and I are nothing more than good friends. The end, period, goodbye!"Sirius smirked. "Of course, Moony, of course. But the question is, would you want to be more? If you could?"

Remus shrugged. "I don't know. Maybe. Well… I guess so…" He looked at Sirius. "But she wouldn't want to. Be more than friends with someone… like me. Just being friends with her is better than I could ever have hoped for."

Sirius rolled his eyes. "You underestimate our dear Tonks. I think you'll find yourself very mistaken. Its not like she rejected you after you kissed her, is it?"

"I was drunk!" Remus interjected.

"Still… its not like she said anything bad to anyone… in fat, she said the exact opposite to me."

"What? What'd she say?" Remus asked. Sirius smiled knowingly, and stood.

"Love to stay and chat, but I have pressing business elsewhere…" he left, leaving a very confused Remus behind.

That night, just before midnight, the front door crept open, and the trio of troublemakers tip toed upstairs, making their way to Sirius' bedroom, where he was waiting with a bowl of water on hand.

"Ready?" he whispered. They nodded. Together they slipped down the hallway, and snuck into Remus' room, where he was sprawled out in the bed, mouth slightly opened. Sirius quickly pulled his friends hand to the edge of the bed, and dipped his fingers in the water. They sat, hushed, waiting for something to happen.

"Whys nothing happening" Bill whispered. Tonks shrugged, yawning. Sirius smacked her arm. "Shh!"

She pulled the bowl out of Sirius' hand. Scowling. "Time for plan B." she muttered, and she upturned the bowl onto Remus' blankets, right between his legs. That got a reaction. Remus started to move, groaning as he lifted his head and rubbed his eyes. Tonks pointed to the bed.

"Under! Now!"

Remus opened his eyes just as Bill had crawled under the bed. Tonks quickly perched on the bed, next to Remus.

"Tonks?" He muttered groggily. She grinned.

"Hi. I knew you missed me, so I thought id come tell you as soon as I got back, and… ah…" She glanced at the wet patch on his blankets and looked away. Remus followed her eyes down.

"Oh. Err…. Excuse me." he shuffled awkwardly out of the room, sprinting as he reached the hall. Tonks smirked evilly, helping Sirius and Amber out from under the bed, while Bill rolled out.

"Nice one." Sirius grinned. They quickly made their way to Sirius' room, before they burst out laughing.

"Bloody brilliant!" Amber choked.

Remus still hadn't guessed that they had had anything to do with his "problem" the night before, but he was subtlety-avoiding Tonks. Except that it wasn't very subtle. But as he still didn't have a clue about what they had done, they decided to continue on with their list, and do 22 that very night. They analysed Remus' shaggy hair, wondering how they should cut it.

"What about a number one?" Amber suggested. Tonks shook her head adamantly.

"No. friggin. Way. I could not stand Remus practically bald. Eww."

Sirius raised an eyebrow.

Tonks made a face. "What?"

"You couldn't stand Remus bald?"

Tonks blushed. "Ahh…"

"Ohmygosh you like him!" Bill gushed, jumping on the spot with excitement. Tonks hit him.

"Shut up!" She hissed.

"But you do!" Bill said innocently, grinning.

"Ok! I like him, so what? Can we please get on with this list?" Tonks opened the nearest hairstyle magazine, staring intently at its pages.

"You know," said Sirius slowly, "if you really liked him, it wouldn't matter how his hair was cut."

The tips of Tonks' blue hair was turning red as she fought to keep her temper under control.

"Fine." She said through gritted teeth. "Shave it all off. See if I care! It's just going to grow back!" She slammed the magazine on the table, and stormed out of the kitchen. Sirius shrugged.

"We can do this one without her."

But when they crept down the hall that night, wands ready for cutting, they found Tonks leaning on the doorframe, twirling her wand in her hand, still in her pyjamas, smirking.

"I still want to see his reaction."

Sirius patted her on the back. "Good girl."

Together they crept into Remus' room. He was fast asleep, snoring slightly. Together they raised their wands, and were just about to jinx him, when Remus moaned, turning in his sleep, and muttered "Dora."

They all turned and looked at Tonks, smirking and chuckling. She however, had backed into the wall, and looked as if she wished for nothing more than to sink into it.

Sirius smirked. "Seems our little Remmy's having rather dirty dreams." Tonks blushed, if possible, even redder.

Grinning, Sirius turned to the other two, and together they cast the jinx.

They watched in horror (and amusement) each and every single hair parted with Remus' scalp, falling onto his pillow to lie around his now bald head. Even Sirius had to admit, Remus definitely looked bad bald.

"Gross!" Tonks whispered from behind.

Stifling their laughter, they moved to the room next door, waiting for Remus to wake up.

They were just starting to fall asleep in the early hours of the morning, when they heard a strangled yell from the room next door. Sitting up, they heard Remus start to swear.

"Shit! My hair! What the bloody hell happened to my hair?"

Fighting to keep a straight face, and to act innocent, Tonks ran into his room. "Remus, what's all the yelli- holly crap! Your hair!" Tonks couldn't help it. She started to laugh. Remus was almost crying in exasperation.

"Its not funny! My hair…I loved my hair! It was so… hairy!" Remus was clearly at breaking point. Tonks rolled her eyes.

"Come on. Lets get you downstairs, and see if we can't magic it back."

Mumbling darkly to himself, Remus allowed Tonks to steer him down to the kitchen. Only when he and Tonks were out of sight. Did Sirius and the other steal back into Remus' room, taking everything in sight, including his wand and moneybag. They then proceeded to scatter them throughout the house, making sure to hide them in odd places. Sirius even threw Remus' good robes into the upstairs closet, which had been found to be inhabited by flying, flesh eating slugs. They made sure to put Remus' favourite t-shirt under Tonks' pillow. Then, they quickly ran back Tonks' room when they heard approaching footsteps. Remus and Tonks were coming up the stairs, Remus with a newly grown head of shaggy hair. They heard a door closing, and then Tonks came into her room, slamming the door behind her, her pink hair turning fiery red instantly.

"What happened?" Sirius asked, grinning.

"He used me as a bloody mannequin! So he could see how his hair looked!" Tonks fumed, falling onto her bed. "Funnily enough. I never really wanted to look like Remus." She muttered.

Amber smirked. "Of course not. You just want cute fuzzy half werewolf babies that look like him. Only, with pink hair."

"Shut up! So NOT true!" Tonks yelled, throwing her pillow at Amber's head.

"Liar, liar!" said Amber in a singsong voice, before skipping out of the room.

The next morning…

Remus couldn't find his favourite shirt anywhere. Heaps of his stuff was missing- his wand, his moneybag… he was sure Sirius had something to do with it…even his trousers were missing. There was definitely something Siriusy about that. He wondered if Tonks knew anything about it…

Opening the door to her room, he found her still fast asleep, blankets pulled half back to reveal her "Its not my fault I'm awesome" t-shirt. Her arms were wrapped around her pillow, and sticking out from underneath it… was that his t-shirt?

"Tonks, what the HELL is my t-shirt doing under your pillow?" Remus yelled.

Startled, Tonks sat up, and promptly fell off the edge of her bed

"Huh?" she looked at the t-shirt he was still clutching onto. Looked like Sirius had already started on the next task…

"Oh. That… it wasn't me, I swear!"

"Give me that! And where the hell are my pants?" Remus snatched his shirt out of her hands.

Tonks giggled. You lost your pants?"

"Its not effing funny!" Remus roared. "What am I supposed to wear?"

Tonks shrugged. "If you want I could lend you a skirt?"

"No thanks." Remus said dryly.

**A/N: **Another update!! Finally! Schools just started back, so it's been a few hectic weeks! Updates will be quicker, I promise :P

**Reviews = love, so if you love me, or my story, please review! **


	10. Chapter 10: Under the floorboard

Remus was still being uptight about the skirt offer, and the fact that he had still only found half of his possessions (he had threatened to strangle Sirius until he gave him his wand) so they were sure it was a perfect time to start on the next task. While Remus was plucking up the courage to venture into the upstairs closet, Sirius and Tonks snuck into his room and messed up all his stuff, skimming though all his books and putting them back out of order, and (Tonks let Sirius do this one by himself, just in case) messing up all his toiletries. The only thing they left alone was his wolfsbane potion- they figured they were causing him enough pain as it was- and he was already grumpy enough at his time of month.

Remus returned to his room, after a terrifying encounter with giant killer rats and flesh eating slugs that had somehow grown little slimy wings, to find Tonks sitting on the floor prizing up a loose floor board.

"What are you doing?" he asked, nervous. He hoped she wasn't hiding dung bombs or something Mundungus Fletcher had conned her into keeping at Grimauld- Molly would go ballistic if she found anything illegal…

"Just looking… Sirius stole my copy of pride and prejudice, and you know he hides things in the stupidest places…oh. That's not my book…" she stared at the magazine in her hand, and glanced into the gap in the floor to see a whole pile of them. She dropped it back in quickly. "Oh my god"

Remus grabbed a magazine off the pile, `and dropped it quickly, paling. "Those aren't mine…"

Tonks was bright red. "Of course not… err… I have to go… work…" she ran quickly from the room as Sirius came in. "Where's she off to?"

Remus shrugged. "No idea. She saw these and freaked." He showed Sirius the pile of magazines.

"So that's where I put those! I thought I'd lost them!" Sirius bent down, and pulled all the magazines out. He grabbed the one from Remus' hand, and added it to his pile of smut.

"Sirius! You keep your smut collection in MY room?"

"Yup" Sirius replaced the floorboard as Remus stared incredulously at him.

"That's disgusting."

"Disgusting is a matter of opinion, Moony. Cheers!" He turned to leave, but then hesitated. "Oh, by the way, we did something to something in your room. Bye!"

Remus groaned, face planting himself. "What the hell has he been wanking with this time?" he muttered. Today was not turning out to be a good day for Remus. "Tonks!" he called, knocking on her bedroom door.

"I'm busy!" She called back quickly.

"Tonks, those aren't my magazines! They're Sirius'!"

The door opened. Tonks looked at him, eyebrow raised. "Sure they are. Which explains why they're in your room?"

"Please, don't ask me to explain the inner workings of Sirius' mind; we'll be here all day. But Tonks, honestly, they are not mine. What would I need them for, anyway?"

"Well…"

Remus realised his mistake and turned bright red. "No, you've got it all wrong! I didn't mean it like-"

"Ok, ok, calm down. I believe you! What did you want anyway?"

"Err, well Sirius said he did something to something in m room, and I was wondering if you might know what he did."

"Well, I wouldn't exactly say I knew what he did, but id advise you not to use your toothbrush." With that, she walked past him, laughing at his misfortune.

"My toothbrush?" quickly, Remus ran back to his room to check his toothbrush. To his dismay, nearly everything in his room had been riffled through. With that being the case… he was sure Sirius wouldn't have stopped with his toothbrush… he ran back to find Tonks, who had lugged a huge trunk into her room, and was sorting through it with Amber, who was holding up a large, floral dress. "Oh, that's fabulous! I cant wait to see it on-"

"Remus! What are you doing back?" Tonks asked, surprised, looking up with her hands full of floral and neon printed fabric.

"What are the dresses for?" Remus asked, distracted. Amber smirked. "We're making some drastic changes to an old friend's wardrobe. As you can see, we don't have much to work with…" She held up a neon pink boob-tube.

"What did you want?" Tonks asked.

"Oh… right. Well, see I'm pretty sure that Sirius doesn't have enough self control to stop with my toothbrush, and i'm also pretty sure that you're in on it, whatever he's doing. Hence why you were wrenching up my floorboards. So… spill."

Tonks stood, grinning. "I might know something…"

"Well…"

"Well Remus, I don't give stuff like that away for free…and if Sirius finds out that I told you…well, id better be getting something pretty good if i'm gonna be in that situation."

Remus sighed. "What do you want? You know my chocolate supply is running low after you guys came round last month…"

"Oh, I don't want chocolate."

"What do you want then?"

"Hmm… I'm not sure…" She stepped closer, until they were less than half an arms length apart. "Why don't you take a guess?"

"Ahh… I don't know if that would be the best idea…"

"And whys that?" she slid closer. They were practically touching.

"ahh… id probably be way off, I'm sure it would be easier if you just told me…"

"I think I can do that."

And slowly, she kissed him.

Needless to say, it wasn't what Remus had had in mind, but he wasn't going to complain…

They broke apart.

"Hmm… I suppose that was good enough. It'll be a fair trade for the info on Sirius' dirty work." Tonks mused, while Amber sniggered in the background.

"Yeah…err… so what did Sirius do in my room?"

Tonks was staring dreamily into space. "hmm? Oh, right… did he say he did something?"

"Yup."

"He was lying."

"WHAT?"

"I know, he's really quite horrible-"

"But you- you said- I kissed you!"

"You did! If you ask me, it was a bloody good kiss! Pretty damn awesome-"

"Well sure, but you were lying too! Sirius didn't do anything-"

"oh yeah… I suppose I was." She grinned and walked past him. Amber followed. "I suppose we better go tell Sirius that Remus found out." Tonks sighed.

"Yeah," said Amber sadly, before turning to Remus, smirking. "feel free to help yourself to anything from that trunk, Remus. There's a lovely neon green jumpsuit that would bring out your eyes wonderfully!"

"I'm NOT wearing your bloody jumpsuit!"

"Perhaps a floral dress?" Tonks suggested from the stairs.

"Perhaps ill wear what's in my own drawers!" Remus yelled back.

Amber grinned. "We'll hold you to that."

Remus stormed back into his room, to find Sirius putting his magazines back under the loose floorboard.

"Sirius!" Remus growled.

"Ah, Moony, good to see you! So, have you figured out what I did in your room yet?"

"You didn't do anything, asshole! And I had to snog Tonks to find out that you didn't d anything, and then she was recommending that I wear floral dresses and neon jumpsuits! What have you done to your cousin's mind?"

Sirius shrugged. "Man, it feels good to be a hamster." He shoved the floorboard back in place, and left the room whistling "God rest ye merry hippogriffs"

"What? Since when the hell are you a hamster?" Remus asked, getting angry. No one was giving him a straight answer to anything- and it was pissing him off!!! Remus walked quickly till he caught up with Sirius.

"Although, if you're a hamster, I suppose that would explain a lot. Like your chronic twitching, and urges to run in circles, not to mention your intellectual capacity… actually, that makes so much sense!" Remus grinned as Sirius pouted, looking hurt. It was nice to annoy someone else for a change. Seeing that he'd hit a nerve, he continued.

"If you're a hamster, and Tonks is your cousin, does that make her half hamster? I mean, I could have sworn that kiss was a bit hairy…" He joked. But Sirius wasn't laughing. He was looking over Remus' shoulder, a look of horror on his face.

"Crap. She's behind me, isn't she?" Sirius nodded gleefully. Annoying Remus was so much more fun that Remus annoying him, and he could tell from Tonks' wide smirk that she was going to milk it for all it was worth.

"You thought our kiss was HAIRY?" She screeched at Remus, looking livid. Amber stepped out from behind her, grinning.

Remus winced. " No, Tonks, I didn't mean it, I was joking-"

"You were joking about our kiss?"

"Well yes, but not like you're thinking, I wasn't making fun of it or anything-"

"You were making fun of our kiss?" Tonks hissed.

"Ahh…"

Suddenly, Tonks burst out laughing. Amber and Sirius joined in. "Remus, you're so cute!" Tonks exclaimed.

Shaking his head, Remus walked away. Apparently, Christmas couldn't come any sooner. Sure, he was going back to the werewolf colony, but then he wouldn't be stuck with a group of two faced annoying immature crazy lunatics. Wait… yes he was. Crap. Why was he always stuck between a rock and a hard place? Why?

"Oh Remus?" Tonks called. "You'll be starting to pack soon, and I expect you to take that neon jumpsuit. It'll keep all the really scary werewolves away!" she giggled. Remus rolled his eyes.

"I hate my life."

**A/N: Hey everyone! Thank you for reading another chapter!! All in all, I think there are going to be about 20 chapters in this story, so I'm half way there!! Please review, and if you have any ideas about future tasks, id love to hear them! Cheers!!**

**Tonks xox**


	11. Chapter 11: Rainbows and puppies

Tonks yawned, throwing her book at Sirius.

"Come on, we have to figure out how to do this hair thing."

Sirius pushed his hair out of his eyes. It was 3am, and they were still up trying to figure out how on earth they were going to turn Remus' hair rainbow colours. Why did Tonks have to write something so hard to do?

"Cant we just put muggle dye in his shampoo?" Sirius groaned.

"No!"

"Why not?"

"Because that stuff would have to stay in his hair for half an hour! Remus is a guy. His whole shower is less than five minutes…"

"You count how long he's in for? Waiting till he comes out so you can catch him half nude?"

Tonks rolled her eyes, a red tinge rising on her cheeks. "Sure… at least he has a shower." She eyed Sirius' hair.

"Hey, I shower... occasionally."

"Sure you do…"

Sirius shifted uncomfortably in his kitchen seat. "So the shampoo wont work… can we put it in his food?"

"Not the dye…"

Sirius sighed. "Looks like we'll have to pass on this one then. I'm stuck for ideas."

"Hang up… have you considered potions yet? There is a colour change one, I'm sure!"

"I have now… and I'm sure there is too. But how are we going to get it in him?"

Tonks thought for a moment. "Chocolate."

"Chocolate?" Sirius asked sceptically.

"Chocolate."

"But what does chocolate have to do with anything?" Sirius asked, confused. Tonks perched lithely on the edge of the table, opposite Sirius.

"Well, you know Remus. He's a junkie. So, we get some of that colour change stuff in some wicked crazy colours, and put a different colour in each square."

"Won't he taste it?"

Tonks shrugged. "Get chocolate flavoured stuff. I'm sure you can."

"Okay, but how are we going to get him to eat the chocolate? I suppose if we just leave it in the cupboard he'll eat it…" Sirius mused.

"But someone else might as well. And I don't plan on trying to explain to Molly when her hair turns into a rainbow."

"True… so how? An apology gift?"

"Not from you."

Sirius snorted. Obviously not! But you could… I hear the two of you had a nice time the other night..."

Tonks reddened. "What did Amber tell you?"

"That you snogged his face off, pretty much." Sirius smirked.

"I did not snog his face off!"

"But you still snogged him."

"It's a free country. I can snog him if I want to."

"Of course you can. So you can just do it again and apologise for our stupid behaviour. Say you want a clean slate, that sort of crap."

"He's not going to fall for that."

"Make him. Use your girly charm." Sirius batted his eyelashes.

"If you stop doing that I will."

"Deal!"

It was with a heavy heart that Tonks walked up to Remus' room the next afternoon. She felt kind of bad for him- he'd freaked enough when they'd cut his hair off. But still, she did get to snog him again… and he wasn't too bad at that.

She knocked lightly on the door.

"Come in." Remus sounded tired. She flung the door open, bouncing in and sitting on his bed.

"Wotcher Remus!"

He ran a hand over his face. "What do you want?" he groaned.

Tonks looked taken aback. "Well, I was going to apologize for being a right git lately, but obviously you'd rather I didn't…"

"No- I'm sorry… I just haven't had a lot of sleep recently. Too busy thinking about after Christmas." He made a face.

"Oh, right… well, I really wanted to say sorry, I feel like such a prick after the other day… so I'm sorry. Sirius probably isn't, but I am. Here. I got you some chocolate. Honeydukes best."

"Oh, um… thanks. He sat down next to her, holding the block of chocolate and turning it over in his hands.

"I'll miss you while you're away." Tonks said quietly.

"Yeah?"

"Yeah." She smiled. "But don't worry, I'm getting you a great present, you won't be able to forget me while you're away."

"How horrible is it?"

"It's not horrible at all! It's a sweetie, you'll love it!"

"What sort of present are we talking about?"

Tonks shrugged, standing up. "The nice sort."

"That sounds scary." Remus stood too, still staring at the chocolate.

"Remus?"

"Yeah?" he looked up, only to find that Tonks was much too close…

"Happy Christmas."

And she kissed him. There was a clunk as the block of chocolate fell to the ground.

"Oops… sorry dear!"

They broke apart as the door slammed shut behind a mop of red hair.

"Err… well; don't forget your chocolate, yeah?"

"Oh, no. I might have some now… you want any?"

Tonks shook her head, smiling. Her head was still spinning. "No… you have it. See you tomorrow… have a good Christmas Eve."

Tonks practically floated out of the room.

"Someone had a good snog." Sirius smirked as she met him in the study.

"Yeah…"

"That good huh?" Sirius asked, his smirk growing wider at her vacant expression. Tonks shook her head.

"Sorry. But yes, it was pretty damn good." She smirked back. "And I don't think we have long to wait."

"Does it change colour by itself or does it need to be activated?"

Tonks pulled a small flask out of her pocket, reading the small print on the label. "It's a cheapie, so I think it'll need to be activated… it's especially for pranks you see… yes, activation required, and there's the spell…"

"So when do you want to do that?" Sirius asked.

"Give him time to eat the stuff, Sirius. Maybe half an hour? We can look at puppies in the meantime!"

"Did you go round the pounds and get some pictures?"

"Yup. I thought these five were pretty cute." She shoved a small pile of photos under Sirius' nose. He flicked through them. Raising an eyebrow, he held one up.

"This is an Irish wolfhound. Don't you think that would be a rather stupid move at this point?"

"Oh, right… I s'pose it would be…" Tonks said, scratching her head. "Me and Amber thought he was cute. Guess he gets big though..."

"Very big."

"Oh."

"This Chihuahua could be good… its nice and fluffy, and I like the black, brown and white more than these brown ones… and that white one just creeps me out. Its eyes are huge!"

Tonks giggled. "Isn't it cute though?"

"No, decidedly not."

"So you want that one then?"

"I think it would be best…"

"Shall I get it now, or wait till after?"

"Might as well go now, it gets you out of trouble… he wont suspect you if you were out the whole time."

"Very true… well, ill go get her than!" Tonks stopped by the door. "Oh, and Sirius? I do hope you're not picking her cause you want a shag."

Sirius' jaw dropped. "That's…. no! No, that's over the line Tonks! Over the line!" he called as she jumped down the stairs.

"What was that about?" Remus asked, sticking his head out the door. "I heard her say shag, and then you started yelling. I've never known you to turn down a shag before." Remus grinned. Sirius made a face.

"You'll understand tomorrow, don't you worry." Glaring, Sirius huffed off to his room.

Soon after Tonks came back, carrying a big cardboard box. She had put a silencing charm on the Chihuahua, so Remus wouldn't guess what it was, but she still didn't want him to see her carrying it up.

Quickly, she dropped the box on Sirius' bed. "Her name's Poppy. Don't you get too friendly while I'm away." She smirked, winking. Sirius growled.

Skipping, Tonks whistled her way along the hall, making as much noise as possible. Remus quickly stuck his head out.

"Err… what are you doing?"

"Not much, really… ooh!" she tripped over her own foot, and threw her arms around Remus' neck to stop herself from falling. Grinning into his shirt, she muttered the activation charm.

"Dora, are you okay?"

"Yeah, I'm fine…" She smiled, glancing at his hair, which was getting brighter and brighter by the second. Standing back, she admired her handy work. "Well, I gotta go wrap your present…"

"Oh. Right. Well… bye."

Tonks waved, heading back for Sirius' room. She loved how awkward Remus was acting now that they'd snogged…

"Did you do it?" Sirius asked eagerly, scratching Poppy behind the ears. She yapped, but no sound came out.

Tonks nodded. "Wait for it…"

Soon enough, they heard a strangled yell from down the hall. Dropping Poppy on the bed, they rushed out into the hall, when Remus burst out of his room, grabbing fistfuls of his hair- he looked quite deranged. All the kids had come down to look as well.

"YOU!" Remus pointed a shaking finger at Sirius. "Why? Look what you've done!"

"Nice work, Sirius." George commented.

"I do like how it's stripped like a rainbow too." Fred added.

"This is the worst year ever, Sirius! Why me? Why? What did I do to deserve this?"

Sirius sighed. "Well, its more the fact you exist, if you know what I mean… you're just too fun to poke fun at!"

Growling, Remus lunged.

Bill arrived in the nick of time, holding Remus back. "Calm down, mate… I'm sure it'll wash out… wont it?" He looked at Sirius, who shook his head gleefully. Remus lunged again.

"I've always known he was mental." Tonks muttered to Harry, who was grinning beside her. "I've known it for years."

It was a rather red eyed and sulky Remus who greeted them in the morning, muttering "Happy Christmas," without looking at them.

Frowning, Tonks put her large wrapped box on the table. "I'm only going to give this to you if you cheer up. I'll find you a cure, don't worry!"

"But I'm supposed to go to the colony in a few days… I cant go like this! They'll all think I have… issues!"

"You do have issues." Sirius muttered.

Tonks waved this comment off. "I'll find something. Now cheer up, so I can give you your present!"

Remus gave a forced smile. "Fine, I'm happy. I want to give you one first though…" He handed her a small velvet box.

"Proposing Moony?" Sirius asked eagerly. "I'm arranging your bachelor party!"

Remus blushed. "No."

"Oh, Remus…" Tonks held up the silver chain, watching the small crystal wolf glitter in the light. "Its beautiful! Thank you so much, I love it!"

"S'ok." Remus mumbled.

"Well, you better open yours now, its not as good, really…"

Remus lifted the lid, and was greeted with a wet lick on the nose.

"This is Poppy." Sirius informed him. "Happy Christmas!"

Remus held the Chihuahua at arms length, watching it wag its tail happily.

"Tonks, I do hope you realise what a disgusting and disturbing joke that was last night. That was way over the line."

Tonks smiled sweetly. "I can apply it to you too, you know."

**A/N: sorry I took so long to update!! Honestly I am, but I get such bad writers block on this fic. I know that's a crap excuse… thanks to everyone who made me get off my ass and write this though! *showers with cookies* please review, I promise ill update faster… not that that should be hard, lol.**

**Tonks xox**


	12. Chapter 12: Sneaking snogs and rumours

Once again, Tonks was woken in the early hours of the morning by a persistent yapping out side her door. She was really, really regretting giving Remus Poppy for Christmas now. And he had told her he would put her up to this until she changed his hair back. Tonks guessed being a walking rainbow did that to people.

Groaning, she dragged herself out of bed, pulling the door open, and walking back to the comfort of her warm blankets.

"Err… hi?"

Tonks spun around, only to see Remus, a woollen hat shaped like a panda hiding his hair, holding a yawning Poppy.

"Oh, I didn't think you would be up with her!"

Remus let the dog jump out of his arms, onto her bed. "Yeah. I just wanted to make sure you would look after her while I'm gone. She is cute."

"Duh, I chose her! We knew you'd always wanted one, so we finally raised the bar, from a hamster to a dog." Tonks grinned. "Suppose you don't want Sirius looking after her, just in case things get a bit frisky?"

Remus frowned. "Sirius was right, you know. That is way over the line."

"Don't worry. I'll keep her safe." Tonks yawned, getting back into bed. "Oh. I hope you packed that green jumpsuit Amber and I left you a while back. Its getting colder." She smirked, watching him glare.

"Mood killer."

"You were setting a mood?"

"Maybe I was." Remus eyed her over sized t-shirt. "Haven't you heard of pants?"

"Well yeah, but they just get in the way." She winked. "So, let me get this straight. You thought you'd come in at 3 am, and set the mood by not only bringing your loud Chihuahua, but also by wearing a panda hat to cover your outrageously coloured hair. You have a talent!"

Remus blushed, tugging at the hat. "It's not coming out!" he moaned. "And I leave the day after tomorrow!"

"Aw, don't fret! They might all think you have issues, and try to eat you, but I'll pack some tissues for your issues, at least you'll be dry!"

"Don't be daft! Cant you just… fix it?" he asked desperately. Tonks shrugged.

"I'll think about it. Of course, some sort of payment is going to be needed." She smirked at him, yawning again. "But first, you have to let me sleep!"

"Remus groaned. "I'm going to end up snogging you again, aren't I?"

"Probably." Tonks said happily, curling up under the covers.

"Fine! Guess I'll just get it over with, then." And quite out of no where, he was on top of her, lips pressed firmly against hers.

Xxx

Sirius woke early, and decided that since he had to be awake, Tonks and Remus should be too. Strangely though, Remus wasn't in his room. Maybe he was already up? Shrugging, Sirius opened Tonks' bedroom door, only to be rather pleasantly surprised.

Well, one thing was for sure. Remus was not already up. And neither was Tonks, for that matter.

BUT… this would be very helpful for the next task on their list… he was very good at spreading outlandish rumours.

Xxx

It was a much more decent hour when Tonks came tumbling –literally- down the stairs to the kitchen. She had expected it to be empty- but not only was it not empty, it was almost full, and everyone in the room was crowded around Sirius.

This was not good.

"Morning!" she said loudly, letting everyone know she was here. To her surprise, instead of waving or failing to acknowledge her at all, everyone coughed awkwardly and shuffled quickly away, leaving Sirius lounging alone on the old sofa at the end of the room.

To her confusion, many people were winking at her as she walked by. Rolling her eyes, she stopped in front of Sirius.

"What's going on?"

Sirius shrugged. "Nothing. I'm just keeping everything up to date, you know me."

She took everything to mean the list. It only took her a moment to realise what he had been doing.

"Those rumours are supposed to be about him! NOT ME!"

"You may feature a little, but I promise, Remus is the main-"

"WHAT did you tell them?" her hair was a brilliant flaming red by now, and she was scowling furiously. All in all, Sirius knew she was not one to cross.

"Well, you see, what happened was I went to find him this morning, and strangely enough, he wasn't in his bedroom."

The blush was already rising on her cheeks. She knew what he was getting at.

"Nor was he in the bathroom or the library. So, I had no idea where Messer Moony had run off to, so I thought I'd come visit you instead." His smirk widened. "You were where I expected all right, but you had some rather... unexpected company."

"We didn't... do anything." She spluttered.

"You sound like a 15 year old, Nymphadora. It doesn't matter if you did or didn't, the word is out that you have been for quite a while. Not to mention a few other nasty things I could come up with about Remus on the spot. Mostly about the things he does to escape other women. How strange it is he hasn't used any of those tactics on you!"

"You're an ass. I'll get you for this."

Sirius stood. "Is that a threat, Nymphadora?"

"You bet it is, Sirius."

"Well, in that case-"

The kitchen door crashed open, and Remus stalked in, finger pointed directly at Sirius. "YOU! You told everyone Tonks and I were... we were not! And you told them my bedroom is full of pink stuffed unicorns that all have name tags and outfits for special occasions!" Remus took a deep breath. "I hope you realise how dead you are. Not to mention," he raised an eyebrow, "How crispy and black your porn collection will be when you go back to your room."

Sirius' mouth dropped. "You wouldn't."

Remus shrugged. "Maybe not again. What's done is done though, old friend."

Sirius looked like he might cry. "I hate you!" he ran out of the room.

"What a drama queen." Tonks scowled.

"Agreed." Remus looked side ways at her. "About last night-"

"Don't worry about it." She blushed. "You weren't the only one enjoying yourself."

"HA!" the door flung open again, to reveal Sirius. "You were! YOU WERE SHAGGING!"

"WE WEREN'T!" they both yelled back simultaneously.

"What were you doing then?" Sirius asked suspiciously.

They eyed each other for a second.

"Writing reports."

"Dressing Poppy in tutus."

They were both very calm all of a sudden. Sirius knew they were lying.

"I'm going to find the truth." Sirius told them, pointing at them with two fingers, then back at himself with one.

I'm watching you.

He left the room, where upon Remus and Tonks burst into fits of snickering laughter.

Xxx

Remus didn't return to his room till late. Partly, he wanted to spend as much time with Tonks as possible, and partly because he was a little terrified Sirius would be up there, waiting in the dark, ready to take revenge for his burnt porn collection.

He did shriek when he opened his door and Sirius was standing right there.

"Milk?" Sirius held up a glass. "It's warm, to help you get to sleep so you're not up all night thinking about how much the other werewolves will love your hair."

Remus scowled.

"Oh, go on. I've even got a lullaby picked out!"

"I don't want to hear it!"

"You do, you really do! The incy wincy spider climbed up the water spout, down came the rain and washed the spider out! Out came the sun and dried up all the rain, so the-"

Roughly, Remus grabbed Sirius by his arms, pulling him round so they swapped places. Taking the glass of milk, he splashed it in his friends face before slamming the door shut.

Sirius frowned. "TONKS!" he yelled. "YOUR BOYFRIEND IS BEING BITCHY AGAIN! COME HELP!"

Tonks stuck her head out her bedroom door. "He's your boyfriend now, I bequeath him to you. Do what you will. I'm busy!"

She too, slammed the door.

Sirius raised his eyebrows, before shrugging and walking back down to the kitchen, wondering if Molly had found that last bottle of fire whiskey yet.

"So the incy wincy spider climbed up the spout again!"


End file.
